Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
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I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
me and who
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.