*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
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Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
good work, everybody
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
My blood type is coffee.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what