SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
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i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Merry Christmas
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Meow
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad