Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
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Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
No, I don’t think I will.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
“That’s what” – She
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?