Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
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A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.