Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
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My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
for all #parents out there
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?