The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
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[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards