[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
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Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
mathematically impossible
is it earth
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.