Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
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me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude