Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
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Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation