“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
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My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
who wants to go expliring
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of