My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
You Might Also Like
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this