Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
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*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Baller is short for ballerina
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.