Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
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I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.