Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
You Might Also Like
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Finally!
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!