As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
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Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Cause of death: Zumba
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!