My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
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no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds