PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
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Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
this will hang in the louvre one day
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Terribly Tuesday.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.