I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
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Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down