They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
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She: I like Cats
He:
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.