[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
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[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no