I wish all tests were things you peed on
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Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
I put the p in pants.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.