Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
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The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Very good! 👍😂
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.