Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
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What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
*orders delivery*
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family