Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
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The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)