Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
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My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
🤣dope
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.