Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
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me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
we all know this pain all too well
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Florida be like…
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
You can’t rush stupid.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”