During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
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waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I unironically love this joke.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.