I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
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I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.