I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
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My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
My work here is don’t.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog