I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
You Might Also Like
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.