I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
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“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again