Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
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FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
When a shoelace touches your ankle
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
The sacred texts.