(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
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[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
🐕🍷
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
My new favorite headline
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?