There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
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[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
My dog ate my work from home.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
I can fix him.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.