Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
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Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
nice challenge
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big