My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
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Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke