One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
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Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
This probably isn’t good
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
How does one answer this?
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!