If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
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R.I.P.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”