Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
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[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Swedish for common sense.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
$3 #books
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.