Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
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she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart