No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
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Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.