ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
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How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
accurate
when you are just born a rebel
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.