ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
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If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.