It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
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*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more