[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*