[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
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boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
sir, my pâté if you please
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.