[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
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ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”