[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
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[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
This is always good for a laugh.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.