Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
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Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.